Hey Bud,
How you doing? Just a quick one this morning to upload these images of Dan from RÁS training in Porthcawl last night.
It was a cold & foggy affair remedied by pizza on the breakwater after wrapping.
Belter of an evening.
Catch you soon
It’s been a real long time since I felt compelled to blog, even longer since I last cried at a stupid movie.
Though today, as it happens, both occurred.
Taking the day off, a weary eyed Abi & I decided to spend the morning watching movies whilst trying desperately to get little (who’s not so little any more) Olin Beau to sleep, seeing as he found it hilarious to be wide awake at 3am this morning. He’s currently starting his four month “leap”, which brings with it, major crankiness, a need for more cwtches and sleep regression.
We all lazed on the sofa whilst watching the movie “About Time”, a typical British rom com by the writers of Love Actually. I will openly admit that, watching Love Actually is the only thing I look forward to come Christmas. Despite “About Time” having a distinct lack of Hugh Grant I was really enjoying it. You can judge me later. Thanks.
That was right until (SPOILERS) there was a moment between a father with cancer and his son, when all of a sudden I found my self welling up and trying desperately to hide it from the wife.
Grief is a strange old thing, it finds its way into the most daft of scenarios. Today was no exception. I have been a father now for almost four months and unsurprisingly it has changed who I am through and through. Time is much more precious now. Be it trying to clean bottles before bed or trying to get work out quicker in order to give Abigail a day off from mum duties. Like the old quote, “Time waits for no one”.
I first sat down to write this blog in April, when Olin was still a tiny little alien living with us. Now he is a fully blown tiny human who cackles at fart jokes. On the grand scale of things, it’s not been very long at all, though it feels like an absolute lifetime. It’s been his life time, which I find mind blowing.
With that being said, that is my reason for getting all emotional watching that bloody movie. This little man we call our son has a whole lifetime ahead of him. I cannot even begin to imagine where he’ll go, who he’ll meet and what he’ll achieve on this little blue dot. I know for one thing though, for as long as I am on this Earth, I will be behind him. Whether as a guiding hand or the voice he chooses to ignore. I will be there. Day in, Day out.
Without meaning to wish his life away, I look forward to the days where he returns to us as a man, maybe with a family of his own. In the future I look forward to telling him how proud I am, how much I love him and having all the father-son heart to hearts. I never had the chance to do this with my dad. He was taken from us prematurely before I was old enough to appreciate all the lessons and morals he was instilling within.
I adore the little human that often sits between our arms. He often looks up at us both, almost to check that we are still there, or whether or not we are looking at the same thing he is… which is usually the bloody television. There is a beautiful sense of calm to him (when he’s not hungry, tired or pushing out a turd) that is contagious and makes the world seem a little less brutal. Yes there is definitely more to do, with less time to do it in, since his arrival… But they are small things that, in the grand scale of things, just don’t matter.
I hope for his sake I survive long enough to watch him become a man. For him to learn all the lessons in man hood I had to figure out for myself. So that he can watch shitty British rom coms without getting choked up like an utter loser. So that he grows up without feeling there is a huge piece of him missing.
It’s no secret that I have unashamedly become one of those fathers that will bore you with pictures of his kid. So if family pics aren’t your thing, I thank you for reading this far and advise you to get out whilst you still can. I’m about to bombard you with pictures of his life up until this moment.
So, finally, after starting this blog in April, rewriting it for what feels a thousand times, here he is;
Olin Beau Sedgmond / Born March 10th 2019 / 1.01 am / 6lbs 11oz
The following are a mix of digital and 35mm
Recently had the pleasure of hanging out with Sophie Potter. She’s an illustrator who’s set out to make a name for herself… she’s also saved my ass many a time when I’ve forgotten to buy Christmas cards.
I wanted to shoot with Sophie as a kind of Devils & Details type of thing. Essentially, a reason to watch her process and get an insight as to how she creates those beautiful lines with a pen.
Like any good shoot, there was coffee, a cat (predominately hidden) and lots of talk about being a freelancer/self employed.
Go check her out, she’s fuckin rad!
NOTE: This post has been in my drafts for a few weeks, like many others I've been avoiding publishing it.
Last weekend I turned thirty, I'm only a few days into my thirtieth year on this small bit of space rock but it's already got me thinking about who and what I am... Again.
The same process happens every year, a birthday can be looming or passing and I turn inward to take a good hard look at the person I've become. Last year I travelled out west flipping coins, this year I've been holed up in my office and not wanted to go outside. It's a time of year I push myself into a deep dark hole and resurface with some form of inspiration or drive.
We both know I've written countless blogs talking about my mental state in the past, but this time I'm going to try and be really honest, not only with you, but with myself. Usually I skate round the subject in various forms of flowery analogies. This time, I think I owe it to you (and myself) to be as open as unapologetically possible.
This year has been a vast improvement in comparison to last year work wise. Emails have been coming in and the phone has been ringing. It feels incredible to finally feel like I'm moving more towards what I want from this whole venture. Though more often than not, I feel myself becoming more and more insecure towards my position in life. I fell into a really dark hole in the run up to Christmas last year. After Iceland I finally put my hands up and admitted defeat. I took a month off to rest and figure out why I felt so low. What I thought was just a negative, self fulfilling prophecy towards work, was actually a shit storm pretending to be under control all these years.
Working with a camera and trying to create something meaningful is something I'm really passionate about, like insanely passionate about. I feel incredibly honoured to step into peoples lives, for what feels like the tiniest amount of time, and share a moment. Even if it's from an observational position. That's what will always remain important to me, for those looking at my work to be able to feel what I was feeling at that time. For something to feel really raw and special.
Though the more I think of this, the more I'm starting to think I've been secretly self sabotaging with my passion. Recently I feel like I'm unraveling myself and finding a lot of answers.
Since I was a kid I've always looked to my peers for approval, I've always wanted to be the best and remain a good, honest person. To be that person that every body likes. To be that guy who does "that thing" and is really fuckin good at it. Though somewhere along the line I developed a serious disliking for who I am and anything I put my mind to. I think in my determination to succeed, I also focus too hard on my faults and previous short comings.
I feel embarrassed even typing anything to do with this side of me. Which I think is part of the problem. I keep all of this deep down inside of me. Like a teen who hides porn under their bed, only to look at when theres nobody around... To then make joking analogies towards, when the fact its there is confronted. Classic diversion tactics. Hide behind humour, hide behind humour.
Truth be told, I feel embarrassed due to not knowing what thoughts to give any weight or acceptance toward. Constantly trying to figure out if what I'm feeling is real or a result of overthinking. Always playing devils advocate with my inner self. I do this with everything. Usually it helps me feel grounded and secure. Though on the flip side, it wreaks fuckin havoc. It's like my self value is a top heavy rock, balancing on a pin head and leaning towards a void.
Sometimes it sways towards a safe place where I'm confident and happy. Though more often than not, it will topple into the void and I'll spend weeks and weeks trying to delicately balance it on the pin again. When I'm doing this, days come and go like a flash and everything I've been focused on just seems futile.
This really affects my approach to work. More often than not, I'll focus on the task at hand and do my very best. But to do this, I have to push the feeling of being unbalanced deep down into my stomach and ignore it. This is where it loves to be. It's an addict and I'm the enabler. Down in my stomach, it's miles away from my minds restrictions. In turn it can make the acid boil and send signals to my brain that feel like two people are screaming directly into my ears. Constantly trying to psych me out and make me lose the game we're playing. I've grown quite strong at ignoring it when in front of others, but behind closed doors I'm calling bullshit on it's tactics in a plate smashing row.
Common sense says to keep it up top where I can keep an eye on it. But doing so is equally as hard. Trying to concentrate on work when I feel like this is nigh on impossible. It feels like I have a self righteous idiot sat next to me, constantly asking me stupid questions. "Yeah I get it... But whats the point?", "Why are you doing that?", "Wanna know how I think you should have done it?", "My friend does this, they're amazing at it, have you seen it? It's much better isn't it?".
It's so tiring. Even thinking about it while typing has given me the all too familiar ache between the eyes.
Sometimes I find great strength in being able to listen to all the negative dialogue. It's like the fowl smell of rotting veg. A good warning sign to get rid of it and have a good clean out. But doing so feels like I'm forever skating on thin ice. I do it because it's an exercise that feels like it will benefit me in the long run. Though when I look back at all the long term battles for such fleeting moments of strength, I cant help but wonder whether it's sustainable anymore.
I've applied the same process to everything I've done in life, but food & music stand out the most when I question my methods. In food, nothing makes me happier than "dirty hangover" dishes. I like the dirtiness and how it breaks all of the rules. Same as music, I love getting lost in the feel of music instead of following a metronome. Yet, I always falter when I'm told I shouldn't be doing it, despite knowing in my gut, I'm doing something I love. It's as if other peoples words help tip my internal balance back towards the void. As if the negative internal dialogue has gained a supporter. Thus causing me to look within myself and try find the reason I originally started with. The process is exhausting, but sometimes it helps me solidify what I think and put it into action.
When it comes to my own well being, I can't help but hide from the subject. I hate the idea of worrying people or being seen as an attention seeker. My shit is my shit. I'm of the ignorant mindset of "if you ask for help, you're failing". I rarely talk to my wife or closest friends. Though usually I'll give up as soon as my words feel air. Be it with a "it is what it is" or a self mocking impression of how pathetic I seem. I find what helps me the most is helping those closest to me solve their own problems. It's a really self indulgent thing to do, but I feel like I can relate to a lot of peoples problems and insecurities. Which selfishly, makes me feel a little more grounded as helping other people takes my mind away from my own battles.
Photography seems to have really helped me explore my inner workings. I spend a lot of time on my own, whether it's travelling to shoot or sat editing. So there's enough time for the insecurities to show. Where as in previous jobs, there would always be a pressing matter, that needed my immediate attention, every single second... Now I have no choice but to confront them and deal with them.
I look forward to the days ahead where I can approach something with complete confidence. Where I can be present and not have to worry about what lies ahead or past criticisms. To still have that self critical voice keeping me on my toes, but not to the point of crippling me.
I'm okay with where I currently stand. I think I'm doing as well as I can despite rummaging through a lot of the old boxes in the attic of my head, in my search for answers. Currently I just feel really uncomfortable, which is usually a sign of growth.
"In order for the lobster to grow, it must first feel the discomfort of outgrowing its shell. Despite knowing it is surrounded by predators, it must make it's self vulnerable in order to shed it's current shell"
I love that quote. I've heard it used in numerous circumstances. Despite it's cheesiness, I always think of it when thinking of my own situation.
This year I can feel the pressure of my work hanging over me. Though as drastic as that sounds, I think it's evolved. I've grown really tired of approaching everything with a tainted view. Believing that I'm not good enough to reach where I want to be. It's really old now. Frankly, it's fuckin dumb. I've reset the standard in my mind.
When I started out, I kinda took an attitude of, "that'll do, it's better than most", which is fuckin arrogant. Not to mention, really lazy. Now though, I'll still focus on the things I don't like about my work, but only to learn, improve and grow. I like an easy life and tend to only stick to things I know I'm good at... Like home cooking and avoiding DIY. Whilst I'm being honest, when I first started all of this, I thought it would be a case of naturally developing over time. Though now I realise it takes a lot more than just practice to reach the standard of my peers. I know now it takes a lot of self discipline to confront your weaknesses and snot spiral out of control.
All of this takes me back to the days behind the bar in a previous job. We used to crack jokes and judge each other on how well we poured a pint or served a drink. The standard of what we did was really high, but it went by seemingly unnoticed by our customers. I remember my good friend telling me "The fact that we concentrate on how well we do things despite them lot (the customers) not caring or really giving a shit, is what makes us better than all the other bars".
This and the lobster quote currently speak louder than the crowd.
Despite being a little down on myself lately, I know it's all worth while in the long run. I know it's what will set me apart from the crowd. I really care about those I work for and even yourself, the fact that you have taken time out of your day to read my inner ramblings really means a lot. I know at times I can be fiercely frustrating to those around me. But I'm working on it...
There is a huge uphill slog ahead of me. A few weeks ago I would have buried my head in the sand and avoided confronting it. Now I am running full pelt towards it. I'm sure the route towards the top will be rocky and I will no doubt lose my footing at times. But that won't stop me from reaching where I want to be.
The past few months have been a real struggle and as much as I want to deny it, I've hidden myself away. Avoided blogging. Avoided social media. Avoided showing face. All for fear of showing weakness. But here I am, sincerely grateful for discovering more whilst walking through the darkness.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, it truly means the world to me.
See you soon
A
When you first meet someone, there’s no knowing where that brief encounter will take you. Currently, we are spinning on a giant rock that’s size is completely insignificant when compared to the void it is suspended in. As humans, we are such tiny specks. Though our impact whilst on this tiny blue dot is nothing short of magnificent. Remember that.
I write this from a place of gratitude and love.
This is a time for unfiltered honesty. No more “business tone of voice”, no more “I’ll make a point but politely”, just straight up balls to the wall honesty.
A few months ago friends and I received news that our buddy Matt had passed away while away travelling in Cambodia. Matt was a kind soul with a heart of gold. We shared a mutual love of Creedence Clear Water Revival and making inappropriate jokes at the worst of times. Those who’s life he entered can’t help but feel the empty space he has left. Be it the jibes over WhatsApp, incredible music recommendations or Alan Partridge quotes bellowed from the top of his voice.
We miss him.
Cliches aside, we all talk of the moments where we feel him around us. Be it the strange noises in the house or “that feeling” when playing his favourite music. I’m sure wherever he resides now, he’ll be kicking back in front of a huge stack of amps, with a cig hanging off his lip, teaching the late greats how songs should really be written.
I write this as his passing has hit me like a fucking freight train. I’ve never been one to grieve in past events. Though this has definitely slowed my pace.
Call whoever this makes you think of!
Life is far too short to become complacent.
So what does this have to do with photography?
It’s more of how I feel in this current time.
In a few months I will be a father. I will be holding a tiny life in my arms and wondering how the fuck I’m going to do my best to ensure he is capable of having any life he can dream of. I’m hell bent ironing out any kinks in my personality in order to set good examples in the way he should live his life. I want to be the man he looks up to. Much like I looked up to the absolute mountain of a man I called my father. Should my life be cut short for whatever reason, I wanna know that I have left him and Abi in the best position to do whatever they want in life.
I want him to know what hard work is. Always be kind. Have good manners and always look out for those around him. I want him to be the man I fear I’m incapable of being. I want him to be successful beyond his wildest imagination. I want him to know he is the best person he can be at any given situation and that nothing will ever change that.
Again what does this have to do with photography?!
I feel like my work has suffered some what in the past months due to a negative weight hanging from me. I’m sure I’m overthinking it, but in hindsight, it feels like I’ve fluffed a few opportunities by not truly grabbing them by the balls and going to town on them. I spend far too much time in my own head and rarely give my self time to let go and breathe for a few hours. I’m constantly trying to put in place ways not to fuck things up. Always trying to avoid the worst case scenario.
In doing so I can completely lose sight of what I set out to achieve.
The list of what I believe to be my flaws is endless. One of them being that I feel I’m not as honest as I could be with you guys about my insecurities.
The age we live in seems to be about completely denying the fact that life isn’t always rock n roll, wild parties and epic adventures. This constant bombardment has seemingly made our perception of achievable happiness completely impossible. Yes I’m talking about social media.
Social media from a business point of view can often be crippling, well for me any way. Always watching how those around you are smashing through their targets and goals. Seemingly unscathed and headstrong. Where the fuck are their “shit, I need to be better” moments?! I dread to think how it affects those who don’t use the “I only use social media for work” excuse. Maybe it’s a case of personality? Maybe they are strong enough to attack everything they set out to do and not worry about X, Y and Z. I’m not judging them by any means. I’m just a completely different person.
There is no shame in showing people that you are human.
That’s where this becomes about photography.
Photography has been the only job I’ve ever had that has consumed me 100%. It brings such extreme highs and with it extreme lows. The constant peaks and troughs have taught me so much about who I am as a person and where my short fallings have been in the past. Not forgetting where I can do better in the future.
The constant need to be on my toes and watch what I am doing has been misconstrued as a lack of confidence. Though now I believe it’s a necessary evil in order to remain humble and show everything about myself in my journey. I never wanna be responsible for making those along for the ride feel as if they don’t know who I really am. Especially when it comes to the business side of things. I want those I work with to know that what I say is sincere.
Hence the need to constantly pour my heart out into this blog.
With the news of Matt’s passing and Olins imminent arrival I feel like life has thrown me through a loop. It’s made me seriously question what the fuck I have done for the past thirty years and where the fuck I’m going to be in the next twenty or so. All I know is that I plan to be as against the grain as possible. I want to be daring and sometimes frustrating to those watching. I want to make all the mistakes I never wish my son to make in order to teach him from an experienced stand point.
There is no excuse for me to be half hearted any more. My wife and son are depending on me more than ever!
Some would say I’m having a mid life crisis and should just buy a convertible. I say bollocks to that.
I’m sure Matt would say “just fuckin get on with it innit”
And he’d be right to say so. It’s time to just get on with it and remember why I started this in the first place.
All bullshit aside. There is more to life than worrying about how to pay the bills and whether or not you are liked. I for one forget this on a regular basis. Life for me is about finding a connection with those around you. Putting pen to metaphorical paper and writing your story for future generations to read. I don’t want to be just another photographer. I want to be the person who inspires people. Who lends a helping hand in times of need. To be the one person people know they can count on. I want my photographs to be a product of deeper connections and life changing travels.
More so than ever, I’m aware of my own mortality. Life is blasting by and I fear if I don’t concentrate on these things, all I’ll leave behind is a mediocre story and thousands of wasted hours spent staring at a screen.
I started this journey to leave “regular” life behind. To seek happiness and feed my curiosity. I feel I am at a turning point, really narrowing down who I am and how to present myself to the world. So far I have learned I am socially awkward, a nervous wreck at the best of times and the one guy you can count on to put his foot in his mouth.
This is who I am.
I may come across like an antisocial shitbag at times, but really all I’m doing is taking the time to read the situation and figure out what I’m bringing to the table. I don’t ever wanna feel like I’m wasting anybodies time!
My work is helping me discover this. I know I’ve not shown you all my best yet. I’ve been too intimidated to really challenge what’s considered the norm. Constantly sleep walking through scenario to scenario. Worrying about what people think I should be doing as opposed to doing what I should be doing. Following my heart.
With the harsh reality of losing loved ones now screaming in my face, life seems so incredibly short.
It’s not to be taken for granted.
It’s time to fuck fear in the face and fully embrace what I believe to be right, not only for my business, but for my family and those I connect with along the way.
It’s only now that life seems to be truly beginning.
I owe it to those on the roof, to show that I have truly lived and have tackled all the uncomfortable moments head on. To do them proud. Knowing that when I join them, they’ll say;
”Fair play son, you did good! Now whack ya feet up and take a load off”
How does this make you feel? Can you relate in anyway? I’d love to hear what you think!
Below are the only photos I ever took of Matt. I am so grateful to have met him and even more so to have photographed him. I will always treasure these images.
Should you ever need to talk, please know that I will always be an open ear, drop me a line whenever you need to
A x
