It’s been a real long time since I felt compelled to blog, even longer since I last cried at a stupid movie.
Though today, as it happens, both occurred.
Taking the day off, a weary eyed Abi & I decided to spend the morning watching movies whilst trying desperately to get little (who’s not so little any more) Olin Beau to sleep, seeing as he found it hilarious to be wide awake at 3am this morning. He’s currently starting his four month “leap”, which brings with it, major crankiness, a need for more cwtches and sleep regression.
We all lazed on the sofa whilst watching the movie “About Time”, a typical British rom com by the writers of Love Actually. I will openly admit that, watching Love Actually is the only thing I look forward to come Christmas. Despite “About Time” having a distinct lack of Hugh Grant I was really enjoying it. You can judge me later. Thanks.
That was right until (SPOILERS) there was a moment between a father with cancer and his son, when all of a sudden I found my self welling up and trying desperately to hide it from the wife.
Grief is a strange old thing, it finds its way into the most daft of scenarios. Today was no exception. I have been a father now for almost four months and unsurprisingly it has changed who I am through and through. Time is much more precious now. Be it trying to clean bottles before bed or trying to get work out quicker in order to give Abigail a day off from mum duties. Like the old quote, “Time waits for no one”.
I first sat down to write this blog in April, when Olin was still a tiny little alien living with us. Now he is a fully blown tiny human who cackles at fart jokes. On the grand scale of things, it’s not been very long at all, though it feels like an absolute lifetime. It’s been his life time, which I find mind blowing.
With that being said, that is my reason for getting all emotional watching that bloody movie. This little man we call our son has a whole lifetime ahead of him. I cannot even begin to imagine where he’ll go, who he’ll meet and what he’ll achieve on this little blue dot. I know for one thing though, for as long as I am on this Earth, I will be behind him. Whether as a guiding hand or the voice he chooses to ignore. I will be there. Day in, Day out.
Without meaning to wish his life away, I look forward to the days where he returns to us as a man, maybe with a family of his own. In the future I look forward to telling him how proud I am, how much I love him and having all the father-son heart to hearts. I never had the chance to do this with my dad. He was taken from us prematurely before I was old enough to appreciate all the lessons and morals he was instilling within.
I adore the little human that often sits between our arms. He often looks up at us both, almost to check that we are still there, or whether or not we are looking at the same thing he is… which is usually the bloody television. There is a beautiful sense of calm to him (when he’s not hungry, tired or pushing out a turd) that is contagious and makes the world seem a little less brutal. Yes there is definitely more to do, with less time to do it in, since his arrival… But they are small things that, in the grand scale of things, just don’t matter.
I hope for his sake I survive long enough to watch him become a man. For him to learn all the lessons in man hood I had to figure out for myself. So that he can watch shitty British rom coms without getting choked up like an utter loser. So that he grows up without feeling there is a huge piece of him missing.
It’s no secret that I have unashamedly become one of those fathers that will bore you with pictures of his kid. So if family pics aren’t your thing, I thank you for reading this far and advise you to get out whilst you still can. I’m about to bombard you with pictures of his life up until this moment.
So, finally, after starting this blog in April, rewriting it for what feels a thousand times, here he is;
Olin Beau Sedgmond / Born March 10th 2019 / 1.01 am / 6lbs 11oz
The following are a mix of digital and 35mm