2018 - Over & Out

2018 - The end of the beginning

Jesus, it’s January again. I’m glad I can still say that despite struggling to finish this blog for weeks, now it’s just a case of figuring out where to start…

I seem to find my self in this position a lot so far this year, not quite knowing where to place myself in the wake of the year just gone. There is a lot to prepare for, a lot to continue and a damn sight more to discover still.

2018 started much like any other year in our household, Abigail asleep by my side with Jools Holland on the television. Despite music filling the sight of fireworks filling our windows something felt different. The year that now lay ahead felt like one that would bring big changes, be it through naturally occurring challenges or my own mindset at the time, this was a time with an undeniable sense of change ahead.

Oh and did the changes come!

Despite 2018 feeling like a foggy blur, the one moment that stands out the most is when Abigail ran down the stairs holding a positive pregnancy test. Like most in that position, I was incredibly happy but very conscious of the fact words were escaping me. We had been through a pretty rough couple of months previously with regards to pregnancy and now that it was finally a reality, it was a little… Surreal?!

It still feels a little surreal, but in the best possible way. It’s only a month now until we welcome him into the world and neither of us can wait to meet him.

With his arrival being so close I feel an overwhelming sense of calm… Or at least what I perceive to be calm. It’s hard to pin point exactly what I’m feeling at the moment, it’s as if time has slowed down immensely. I do worry whether it’s me feeling out of control and not owning up to it, but I like to think it’s natures way of gifting a bit of time to get all of my ducks in a row…. Despite not owning any ducks.

Knowing how life plays out, I have a hunch that things are about to get really hectic. My main focus is to be there to support my wife. She has done an incredible job over the past few months, to the point where saying “you’ve done an incredible job” doesn’t really cut it. She’s been a bit of a fuckin badass to tell the truth. Never wishing to give up or throw her toys out of the pram (excuse the pun), only staying focused on whats important, the health of the little one growing inside of her along with her own well being… Even if that means impromptu painting of a bathroom at the crack of dawn and various other nesting endeavours.

I’m ready to take over from her now so she can take her well deserved break.

2019 - The year of transition.

I’ve been so focused on my business over the previous months I feel like I’ve not really grasped whats been happening at home, like I’ve just been floating. That makes me sound like an asshole, but I promise its for a good reason. I’ve been trying to find the root of my business, so I can find my market, so I can deliver something of worth to people who want it as opposed to just ticking boxes. This search, as you well know, has been on going for a long old time but with a due date to work towards, it feels as if it’s been a lot more time sensitive.

Looking at it all objectively, I guess it’s all been a little overwhelming. I feel this great need to find the answers before the little one arrives in order to feel like I’m doing my bit to support us all. To know that while my business is growing and ticking over steadily, my home life will remain smooth… All be it with a lot less sleep and a bit more spew.

If 2018 has taught me anything, it’s that I need to work on letting go of my constant need to control of everything. I fear since going it alone this is something that I have become increasingly worse at. Always trying to ensure that nothing is gonna turn into the catastrophic cluster fucks that I paint in my head. I need to trust that nature has its way and that we are not the first humans to have a child.

I made some great headway with this in the later months of 2018. I’d spent my wedding season consistently worrying that I wasn’t worthy to be shooting the weddings I was working, that in some way, I wasn’t valuable and what I did served no purpose. It’s something I’ve struggled with since the beginning, despite seeing how much I have improved, I still feel like an imposter. So when it came to tying up my last wedding I vowed I’d shoot more of what I loved as opposed to what I felt like I was meant to be delivering . In turn I feel like the last few months of 2018 my photography went up a level and gave me a much needed confidence boost.

Honesty.

Honesty plays a big role in what I do. It’s paramount. 

2018 saw a lot more honesty on my behalf. Not that I was being dishonest before hand, more not truly admitting how I felt. Some could claim I over share nowadays, but I feel it’s necessary in order for people to understand how I work. I’m really grateful for the response you guys have given me when sharing my deepest inner thoughts. The idea that somebody can read my blog and understand the way I function in day to day life makes me a lot more confident. Confident that they know 100% of what they are getting is genuine. Not just hype or clever marketing. 

I never wanna feel like I am painting a bullshit picture of who I really am, especially when I’m exchanging my time and effort for your hard earned cash. I guess it’s that control thing again. I know I’m not like any of the other photographers out there, I’m pretty confident in my ability to say that. I shoot in, what I feel, is a weird way in comparison to what is popular, especially in the wedding scene. I’m always looking for that connection between myself and those I photograph.

Despite sounding a little self indulgent or arrogant, photography is something that has helped me develop in so many ways. So when I photograph people, it’s as if they are stepping into my world for a little while. A small space for us to just be human for a little while. Where we can have a laugh, go on an adventure or put the world to right with meaningful conversation. That little moment of unadulterated honesty where photographs are just the by product, its those moments I strive for.

I often struggled to find these moments in 2018, especially with my wedding work. If I’m being completely honest, its where I feel some of my work really fell on its arse. I could well be overthinking it but it feels like there was a certain disconnected vibe running through some of it. For that reason I feel a little uninspired with my wedding stuff. It’s not where I want/need it to be and going into 2019 I aim to work harder to get those moments of calm despite the party being in full flow. Granted, a lot of it will be couple dependant, I’m sure a lot of you will just wanna kick your shoes off and throw some shapes on the dance floor. Though make it known, I’m gonna be gunning for those really intimate moments this year. I wanna be able to walk away knowing I’ve shown you exactly as I wanted, as honest as possible, all insecurities aside.

I’m passionate about what I do and I never want to let anyone down. That is my biggest fear. I often question whether I’m stopping myself getting what I really want for fear of delivering something completely unexpected.

Integrity.

When Abi & I sat down to discuss my business objective two years ago, I’d always put integrity at the top. I’ve always romanticised the idea of my work being akin to Lemmy Kilmister’s character - A bit rough around the edges but always sincere and earnest. The type to forget your name but always remember your face and story. Remaining against the grain without ever being disrespectful, an entity into itself. Timeless.

There were moments last year where I sacrificed integrity in order to get cash in the bank. In hindsight, they were the most damaging decisions I’d ever made. I walked away from these feeling completely hollow and a little bit dirty. Though on the plus side, they have taught me to trust my gut and walk away when something doesn’t feel one hundred percent.

With the imminent arrival of the little one and having an extra mouth to feed I’ve had a few people advise me to “just sell out” and “take the jobs you don’t talk about” in order to pay the bills. Whilst some people would be inclined to agree with that sort of mind set, I’m pretty confident in knowing that I will never do this again. No matter how much hype that surrounds it. No matter how much I am promised. No matter how much I am going to allegedly benefit from it.

I’m not interested in it.

Now I may come across as a fool chasing a pipe dream, but I’d much rather hold out for the work I can feel invested in as opposed to being used to tick a box. As I keep saying, photography has given me much more than I could ever have wished for. I’m not going to start cashing that in for something I can’t take to the grave with me. No matter how arse backwards that may seem. It means too much to me to just opt out of the long game plan. I’m better than that.

I believe that if I want to do my wife proud and be an inspiring father I will have to work doubly as hard to find the projects I am proud to put my name to, as opposed to just paying my bills and hating my job. I’ve not come this far to only come this far.

Gratitude.

2018 was a year of ups and downs. I started the year mourning the loss of my grandmother but felt incredibly lucky to have spent a few hours with her in hospital, holding hands and shedding a few tears. See, our relationship was tainted by a petty family feud that came about after my father passed away. I’d only seen her twice prior to our last time together and we managed to put a lot of hard feelings to rest. She passed in less than a month after. I’m grateful that her side of the family reached out to me. I’m grateful to have had some time with her. I’m grateful for being able to put an end to the futile nonsense in the months that followed.

Life is very short. The rate of which time mercilessly rips through calendars is good enough reason to turn ideas into plans. Plans into dates. Dates into good memories.

With good memories in mind, I am grateful for the times spent with my friends Matt & Pete who recently joined the others up on the roof. Losing these two has left an emptiness that will no doubt never be filled. Their passing has made me appreciate how fragile life is and how we should never take it for granted. When your at the coal face, it’s easy to get caught up in all of the small stuff, but with things in perspective, we don’t have long on this tiny blue dot, so wasting time worrying about menial shit seems so incredibly reckless. I appreciate this now.

Every year that goes by, I reflect on the times I become crippled by self doubt and fear of “lacking in ability”. The last few months of 2018 were some of the most insightful I’ve ever experienced. I found my tribe through the Dare workshop and some of the conversations since have been beyond inspiring. I have had a handful of close friends really support me and my work, regardless of my often bratty outbursts.

Along with close friends I have to give huge thanks to my wife for always trusting in my, often erratic, need for self improvement. I’m embarrassed by the amount of hours I’ve spent sat in silence next to her over the past twelve months, forever searching for answers to all my questions. I am inward and stubborn at the best of times but the fact she just allows me to just be me, without judgement, is the best reminder of how lucky I am. 

Babe, should we ever hit hard times, please know that I have your back. You, Olin & our lives together are the sole reason I will always strive for better. 

Setting Forth.

2019 will be a year rife with changes, It’s equally as exciting as it is terrifying. Though it feels very real, it’s a good feeling of real.

At this moment in time, I feel calm, which is a feeling seldom felt.

As I said earlier, maybe its natures way of slowing me down ready for the arrival of our child. I feel like life is about to start all over again come March, casting any worries or doubts I have now into the abyss. For the past week or so I seem to have adopted a “come what may” attitude. The past eight months have been spent trying to prepare for this huge event and I feel I have made no dent in the enormity of it all. I just feel chuffed that it’s happening. The next chapter begins from here.

With this next chapter, I have made a promise to myself to be more patient with my business. With the amount of success I see from those around me it’s been incredibly easy for me to get caught up in the idea of what I should be doing as opposed to what I really want to be doing… Creating something worthwhile and enjoying it all.

I’m entering this year as a photographer. Not a wedding photographer nor a commercial photographer. Just a photographer. No more. No less.

When there is so much life surrounding us, it feels daft to only seek certain aspects of it. Everybody has a story to tell and I’d like to hear more of them. This year I need to confront my insecurities, be it my social awkwardness, my lack of enthusiasm for swarms of people and just get in amongst it all. Not every story worth hearing is going to present itself to me, I have to dig and continue to dig there after.

I enjoy telling stories, with both photos and words when they are needed.

There will be an incredible story to tell come March and that will be my sole focus. Everything else will just be an added bonus. Yes I will no doubt fret over paying our mortgage and various bills, but don’t we all?

I’m done with feeling negative towards my work. 2018 has taught me that it’s just a waste of time and a sure fire way of getting bogged down in the proverbial mud.

Looking back over my images this week I have realised how far I have come. Granted I’m no where near where I’d like to be, but it’s a solid start considering how turbulent things have been throughout the past year.

No excuses.

2019 - Fucking come at me.

Here are my faves from the year.

Thank you once again for taking the time to read my blog, it really does mean the world to me! I’d especially like to thank those of you who took the time out last year to drop me a line or even mention me in your blogs. You guys make everything feel worth while!

True Heading

Before you start reading this please be aware that its all over the shop. I started writing early in the morning whilst I procrastinating. I have since returned and finished it at an ungodly hour of the night and it has turned into a stream of consciousness.

There’s a to do list sat on the desk right now with a list of stuff that I’ve been avoiding for too long.

• FINISH YOUR FUCKIN TAX RETURN/RING ACCOUNTANT

• Finalise recent shoot edits

• Organise the attic ✓

• Find Christmas decorations ✓

• Sort Olin’s room Stuff ✓

• Clean up cat sick ✓

How do you guys stay focused and remain on track/reach your goals? Do you even set goals?

I’ve never really been one for making lists. At least not in physical form anyhow. Everything I plan on doing is held in my head. Always. Writing things down is a new venture, to the point where I have to include making a physical list to the one in my head… It feels kinda pointless most of the time.

Though with that being said, I spend way too much time in my own head, often seeking out less taxing options and concentrating more on the bigger picture. Often to the point where potential options fall on their arse and I exhale with bewilderment… Cue the “the fuck are you sighing about? Am I boring you?!” comments from those around me. It’s nothing personal, just a bad habit I guess. I need to focus on my social awareness.

Anyway, thats a story for another time. Despite needing to be more socially aware I need to really work on my self motivation. Today especially.

Since a young age I’ve been stubborn and refused to march to the beat of anybody else’s drum. I’m cooperative when needed, though secretly, I’m thinking that my way is better and I’m sacrificing things in order to be polite. It has it’s merits, though much like anything, it has its flaws. Because I end up in situations like this… With a list of things to do sat by the way side with a more appealing endeavour seducing my short attention span.

Just give me a few more minutes and I’ll get cracking.

The past week and a bit has seen me deep in my own head. I’ve been fairly quiet and almost antisocial at times. 2019 will see my business turning three years old. Now if all the business fuckery I’ve indulged in turns true, this should be the year where I start to see significant changes and growth. With the fact that Olin is on his way I feel like I’m up against it in order to be ready to provide… Yes I know I’m forever harping on about this… But it’s the thing that takes up most of the space in my head.

Photography wise, I feel like I am one hundred percent committed to what I want to be producing. The images I’m showing under my portfolio section of this site are those that I’m most proud of. I’ve stripped all the fluff and “expected” stuff, now all that remains is what I love and want to be known for. There’s still a niggle of doubt in the back of my mind accusing me of being stupid and thinking too highly of myself. But that is being quashed with the mantra “put out what you want back”. That’s so important now. So important!

It’s six weeks to the day where I took my place at The Dare Photo Experience. My attitude towards work has been turned upside down and given a bloody good shake since. The only way I can describe it is akin to those you see on documentaries who have attended ayahuasca retreats. I feel as if I’ve been on some wild trip and experienced “ego death”. It’s refreshing. I feel grounded and humbled. For too long I lived in my own bubble that could have morphed into something ugly. Becoming defensive and damning, as much as it pains me to admit that. It’s easy to become a prick when you work for yourself. Spending most of your waking hours alone, constantly questioning how to be better and battling your own cynicism. Then before you know it, you’ve started talking differently and presenting yourself as your brand as opposed to yourself. It’s weird (not to mention extremely vain), though to be fair, your experience may differ.

The aim of the game is happiness.

That may sound really contrived or even cliche, but it’s true. It’s never simple, if it was, we’d have nothing to worry about. The little wins feel much better knowing that you’ve had to work a little bit harder to achieve them. Working harder for me consists of staying focused and not defaulting to “thats shit” or “fuck that” when faced with a challenge. Challenges are what make us unique, as we all have our own ways of tackling them. The peaks and troughs are what create happiness. At least in my case anyhow. I love knowing that when I make my way out of a trough, theres gonna be a big old dopamine hit waiting the other side for me. That feeling of satisfaction when you’ve done something you’re stoked on, bliss! Though often short lived ha!

On the subject of happiness, I’m trying to incorporate a lot more of my own experiences of happiness into my recent work. I have a certain feeling that I get when I think back to being younger, around fifteen, sixteen-ish. Particularly the summer when I first got together with my wife. I was part of a circle of friends who have since all grown apart. We’d spend our days bombing hills, drinking in parks and blowing stuff up in the woods. The music was excellent back then. Incubus’ “Morning View” was a constant and Jack Johnson had just released his latest album “In Between Dreams”. Jeff Buckley’s album “Grace” was always played in the evenings as the sun went down. From there we would pass round cheap bottles of red wine that made us feel fancy. If we were lucky enough to be near the sea towards the Gower, all the better.

Running the risk of sounding corny here, it feels as if the past ten or so years have been spent trying to reconnect with who I was back then.

The death of my father called for me to grow up real quick. Ditch education and start getting money in my pocket. Look after my mother & sister. Be a man. Try to follow in my fathers footsteps.

By no means am I bitter about this. It was one of the best learning curves I’ve ever had. I just wish I could have learned through talking to him as opposed to remembering him. Abi & I often wonder what it would be like if he were still around. I miss him everyday. Though now it’s a little easier. Especially when I think of what he’d say knowing me as the man I am now. Most likely he’d call me a “fuckin yuppy” and tell me to wash my car. It’s easy to play the “what if?” game isn’t it. However, I believe we all follow loosely put together paths through life.

In turn “what if” becomes “Oh well”.

We can obsess over the past or just keep what we like. The future is too far away to warrant fretting over. All we have is now.

Finally, I feel I’ve let go of the weight I’d carry surrounding my fathers death and the life choices that followed. Hating my reality, I turned to various ways of getting as fucked up as possible. Becoming accustomed to the numbness, I’d lost all ability to feel anything. To connect with those around me. To commit to one given thing or person. Forever on the hunt for something that would excite me and create a sense of achievement. Searching for a feeling of belonging.

I still struggle with future prospects. I find when I try to plan, my efforts fall short as something will inevitably scupper my best efforts. I’ve grown to accept thats just life. It’s a funny old thing this “life” stuff. Our existence is essentially the by product of a huge fuck off explosion. Despite that, we’re all pretty guilty of over complicating it sometimes, meddling with the delicate ebb & flow. \

For me, life is now about ensuring I remain grounded and humble. My go to place in the future is a house at the foot of a mountain surrounded by trees. The drive is a mile long and I get to drive my Volvo down it every evening after spending the day with my wife and kid(s). It’s easy to grow frustrated that this isn’t my reality yet. But who am I to complain?! I have a wonderful life. A wonderful human I get to call my wife. A small human growing inside of her. Two cats and a roof over our heads. I’m so grateful for all of this. It’s this that matters. Not the house with the Volvo outside.

If I can travel a path where our lives will be enriched and my wife and child will be happy beyond their wildest imagination, I will sure as shit travel it, come what may. They are the most important factor in this journey. I owe it to them to free myself of worries and guilt in order to make our lives fuller. To be the best husband and father I can be.

So from here, I am picking up where I left off at seventeen.

Following the things that fill me with happiness. Nostalgic music, road trips and time spent by the sea.

I did this with my oldest friend Dexter a few weekends ago. Two thirty year old men living like teenagers again. Hugging the coastline, we traveled to the Gower for a mooch about in the rain, fuelled by McDonalds coffee and mince pies. Yes it could be seen as incredibly immature but it felt real good to feel care free again.

I can’t wait to share these types of days with Abi & Olin. Listening to the powerful booms of sea meeting rock. Feeling the warmth of a fire as we stare at the stars. Legging it to the car when the heavens open in the morning. It’s important to me that my son grows up knowing that the simple things in life will often bring him the most joy. That days spent exploring will shape who he is in later life. That what he does in life travels full circle.

Who knows, he may grow up thinking his father is an absolute waste of space who has lost touch with reality… Should that be the case, I hope there will be some of my stubbornness within him that can’t deny the fact I was a pretty fun Dad despite never really amounting to anything.

Anyway, thats the future. All we have is now. That’s all that matters.

Below are some of my favourite images to date. There’s something about them that feels quite childish. I wanna keep riding that feeling. There’s also a lot of portraits chucked in for good measure. I feel I’m outgrowing the 35mm focal length. A lot of these are shot with my 85mm. Oh and both lenses are stinking from rain, mist or salt water. Wiping them felt wrong.

Bare Naked Truth

When you first meet someone, there’s no knowing where that brief encounter will take you. Currently, we are spinning on a giant rock that’s size is completely insignificant when compared to the void it is suspended in. As humans, we are such tiny specks. Though our impact whilst on this tiny blue dot is nothing short of magnificent. Remember that.

I write this from a place of gratitude and love.

This is a time for unfiltered honesty. No more “business tone of voice”, no more “I’ll make a point but politely”, just straight up balls to the wall honesty.

A few months ago friends and I received news that our buddy Matt had passed away while away travelling in Cambodia. Matt was a kind soul with a heart of gold. We shared a mutual love of Creedence Clear Water Revival and making inappropriate jokes at the worst of times. Those who’s life he entered can’t help but feel the empty space he has left. Be it the jibes over WhatsApp, incredible music recommendations or Alan Partridge quotes bellowed from the top of his voice.

We miss him.

Cliches aside, we all talk of the moments where we feel him around us. Be it the strange noises in the house or “that feeling” when playing his favourite music. I’m sure wherever he resides now, he’ll be kicking back in front of a huge stack of amps, with a fag hanging off his lip, teaching the late greats how songs should really be written.

I write this as his passing has hit me like a fucking freight train. I’ve never been one to grieve in past events. Though this has definitely slowed my pace.

Call whoever this makes you think of!

Life is far too short to become complacent.

So what does this have to do with photography?

It’s more of how I feel in this current time.

In a few months I will be a father. I will be holding a tiny life in my arms and wondering how the fuck I’m going to do my best to ensure he is capable of having any life he can dream of. I’m hell bent ironing out any kinks in my personality in order to set good examples in the way he should live his life. I want to be the man he looks up to. Much like I looked up to the absolute mountain of a man I called my father. Should my life be cut short for whatever reason, I wanna know that I have left him and Abi in the best position to do whatever they want in life.

I want him to know what hard work is. Always be kind. Have good manners and always look out for those around him. I want him to be the man I fear I’m incapable of being. I want him to be successful beyond his wildest imagination. I want him to know he is the best person he can be at any given situation and that nothing will ever change that.

Again what does this have to do with photography?!

I feel like my work has suffered some what in the past months due to a negative weight hanging from me. I’m sure I’m overthinking it, but in hindsight, it feels like I’ve fluffed a few opportunities by not truly grabbing them by the balls and going to town on them. I spend far too much time in my own head and rarely give my self time to let go and breathe for a few hours. I’m constantly trying to put in place ways not to fuck things up. Always trying to avoid the worst case scenario.

In doing so I can completely lose sight of what I set out to achieve.

The list of what I believe to be my flaws is endless. One of them being that I feel I’m not as honest as I could be with you guys about my insecurities.

The age we live in seems to be about completely denying the fact that life isn’t always rock n roll, wild parties and epic adventures. This constant bombardment has seemingly made our perception of achievable happiness completely impossible. Yes I’m talking about social media.

Social media from a business point of view can often be crippling, well for me any way. Always watching how those around you are smashing through their targets and goals. Seemingly unscathed and headstrong. Where the fuck are their “shit, I need to be better” moments?! I dread to think how it affects those who don’t use the “I only use social media for work” excuse. Maybe it’s a case of personality? Maybe they are strong enough to attack everything they set out to do and not worry about X, Y and Z. I’m not judging them by any means. I’m just a completely different person.

There is no shame in showing people that you are human.

That’s where this becomes about photography.

Photography has been the only job I’ve ever had that has consumed me 100%. It brings such extreme highs and with it extreme lows. The constant peaks and troughs have taught me so much about who I am as a person and where my short fallings have been in the past. Not forgetting where I can do better in the future.

The constant need to be on my toes and watch what I am doing has been misconstrued as a lack of confidence. Though now I believe it’s a necessary evil in order to remain humble and show everything about myself in my journey. I never wanna be responsible for making those along for the ride feel as if they don’t know who I really am. Especially when it comes to the business side of things. I want those I work with to know that what I say is sincere.

Hence the need to constantly pour my heart out into this blog.

With the news of Matt’s passing and Olins imminent arrival I feel like life has thrown me through a loop. It’s made me seriously question what the fuck I have done for the past thirty years and where the fuck I’m going to be in the next twenty or so. All I know is that I plan to be as against the grain as possible. I want to be daring and sometimes frustrating to those watching. I want to make all the mistakes I never wish my son to make in order to teach him from an experienced stand point.

There is no excuse for me to be half hearted any more. My wife and son are depending on me more than ever!

Some would say I’m having a mid life crisis and should just buy a convertible. I say bollocks to that.

I’m sure Matt would say “just fuckin get on with it innit”

And he’d be right to say so. It’s time to just get on with it and remember why I started this in the first place.

All bullshit aside. There is more to life than worrying about how to pay the bills and whether or not you are liked. I for one forget this on a regular basis. Life for me is about finding a connection with those around you. Putting pen to metaphorical paper and writing your story for future generations to read. I don’t want to be just another photographer. I want to be the person who inspires people. Who lends a helping hand in times of need. To be the one person people know they can count on. I want my photographs to be a product of deeper connections and life changing travels. 

More so than ever, I’m aware of my own mortality. Life is blasting by and I fear if I don’t concentrate on these things, all I’ll leave behind is a mediocre story and thousands of wasted hours spent staring at a screen. 

I started this journey to leave “regular” life behind. To seek happiness and feed my curiosity. I feel I am at a turning point, really narrowing down who I am and how to present myself to the world. So far I have learned I am socially awkward, a nervous wreck at the best of times and the one guy you can count on to put his foot in his mouth. 

This is who I am.  

I may come across like an antisocial shitbag at times, but really all I’m doing is taking the time to read the situation and figure out what I’m bringing to the table.  I don’t ever wanna feel like I’m wasting anybodies time!

My work is helping me discover this. I know I’ve not shown you all my best yet. I’ve been too intimidated to really challenge what’s considered the norm. Constantly sleep walking through scenario to scenario. Worrying about what people think I should be doing as opposed to doing what I should be doing. Following my heart. 

With the harsh reality of losing loved ones now screaming in my face, life seems so incredibly short.  

It’s not to be taken for granted.  

It’s time to fuck fear in the face and fully embrace what I believe to be right, not only for my business, but for my family and those I connect with along the way. 

It’s only now that life seems to be truly beginning. 

I owe it to those on the roof, to show that I have truly lived and have tackled all the uncomfortable moments head on. To do them proud. Knowing that when I join them, they’ll say;

”Fair play son, you did good! Now whack ya feet up and take a load off”

How does this make you feel? Can you relate in anyway? I’d love to hear what you think!

Below are the only photos I ever took of Matt. I am so grateful to have met him and even more so to have photographed him. I will always treasure these images.

Should you ever need to talk, please know that I will always be an open ear, drop me a line whenever you need to

A x

Cardiff Couple Photography | Hollie & Dorian

Okay, so For this one I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.

I’m an absolute sucker for a good love story.

There’s something about a good love story that takes me back to being a spotty thirteen year old, watching Romcoms and longing to meet the girl who later becomes my wife.

I’m a sucker for it. An absolute fucking sucker.

The story of Hollie & Dorian is one of my favourites. The best thing is, it’s only really just getting going.

Hollie works as a full time carer, whilst Dorian is an engineer in the Royal Navy. The two of them spend most of their time like passing ships (excuse the pun) with Dorian away at see for months and Hollie often working long night shifts. Though when the time comes and these two align, it’s the smaller things in life that these two enjoy. Whether it’s nights in listening to Hollie’s father’s vinyl collection and a bottle of wine or simply playing “Beach Bingo”, where the two of them search for old trinkets washed up along the shore, you can rest assured that these two are content just having one another around… Their pooch diesel would definitely agree.

We met up on Remembrance day to pay our respects and then spent a few hours by the sea with the dog.

This was my first shoot after attending the Dare Experience and it felt great to have such an awesome pair to create with. I think the images speak for themselves.

Monknash Lighthouse Wedding Photography || Penny & Mike

When Mike originally emailed looking for a photographer, my heart skipped a beat when he mentioned getting married in the lighthouse in Monknash. It’s been on my list of venues since I first started.

After meeting his then fiancé Penny I knew I really, really, reeeeally wanted to be involved with these two lovlies on their wedding day.

Their wedding was the second intimate occasion I’ve been a part of and one that I’m super grateful to have attended. The whole day was super relaxed and the sun even managed to make an appearance after a super dull forecast.

There was a grand total of twelve in attendance plus yours truly doing his best creeping Jesus impression. With a wedding this small it was hard not to feel like a part of their celebrations. Especially when mum cracked out the mini homemade lemon meringues!

Mid afternoon saw Penny getting ready with her sister taking on make up duties whilst Mike kept it super casual, sharing beers with his brother, father and furry groomsman Reggie. Who may I add rocked a yellow bow tie to match dads tie. Classy!

Penny emerged from her room sporting a dress worthy of her father neglecting the cricket match playing out on the wireless.

From there it was go time. Climbing the stone staircase to be greeted by family members and await Penny as a cool Mike kept the nerves at bay.

The ceremony consisted of a few giggles and jibes as well as a few Star Wars references. Personal vows were exchanged as a few eyes began to leak. It was the perfect balance between sincere and heart warming.

From there we enjoyed the sun, had a few cold ones and even took the pooch for a wander round the surrounding fields. With Reggie successfully knackered, it was on to a local restaurant to eat, drink and continue the celebrations.

Penny & Mike’s kind words;

Hey Alex, just got back from the pictures and what a lovely surprise! We are both unbelievably happy with these, they are better than we could ever have wished for- they really captured the vibe of the day and we genuinely couldn't be happier! Best wedding photos I’ve ever seen.... and it’s our wedding! Super chuffed!

Legends the lot of em!

Below are just a few of their day

Thank you for taking the time to show an interest in what I do, it genuinely means the world to me! If you and your lover are planning to wsed in a similar fashion, do drop me a line! Expect lots of nosey questions in my reply! I enjoy a good wedding plan!!!

Cheers!

A

Forbesfield Coach House | Cardiff Florist

It goes without saying, when it comes to business, creativity, oh and floristry, Forbesfield is a name you should have definitely heard of by now.

This year Beth has been an endless support to both my business and personal self. Whether it’s recommending me for weddings or offering advice, she has an uncanny way of looking out for her tribe without them ever noticing.

The last time we chose to hang out, she invited me to her work space in Barry. A beautiful little coach house with no heating or toilet facilities but oozing creativity and her signature Forbesfield charm. Rich colour palettes, a few rough edges held together with a chaotic beauty that only a genius could muster up.

When she originally said coach house, I thought white floors, barn doors and light, airy decor. It couldn’t be any further from that if it tried. And it’s so much more for doing so. The coach house is just a place for Beth to create. Every thing in there serves a purpose and adds to her craft. There’s no fuckery here, just hard work.

I don’t know how you feel, but that speaks volumes to me.

The original plan was to capture the essence of the workspace, though as usual I got distracted by what Beth was working on along with all of the trinkets that surround her.

I love working around Beth. Her aesthetic inspires me to find the beauty in the little moments of chaos. The way she handles colour and shape makes me think that little bit harder about what makes something feel “rich”. I mentioned the other day that her work makes me feel wealthy. As if I’m a man rich beyond my wildest dreams. Despite all the designer suits, luxury cars and fancy properties… It’d be filling my house/workspace with these pieces that would make me feel like I’ve truly made it in life.

Not a lot in life will make you feel that way.

If you are planning on getting married and tired of looking at the same old endless list of florists be sure to check out Forbesfield.

That being said, if you love plants as much as Beth does and fancy broadening your horizons, give the following link a nose;

Forbesfield Flower School.

Classes are tailored towards the budding florist to the seasoned vet!

Follow Beth on Instagram - @Forbesfield

Merthyr Mawr Prewedding Photography || Penny & Mike

Cut back to May whilst travelling back from London, an email pings through to my phone which I check later during a quick coffee stop and obligatory phone stare.

The email read;

“We’re in the process of planning our wedding, which is going to be a small do (about 12 people) at Nash Point lighthouse”

Needless to say I was all in as soon as I read lighthouse.

We met a few weeks after when work allowed us all to grab a coffee with one another. After a long and tiring search for the right photographer, they kindly decided I was their guy.

After allowing a few more weeks to pass, we finally set a date to spend an evening getting to know each while wandering through the dunes of Merthyr Mawr. They brought along Reggie who decided he’d have his own party on each and every dune we passed.

We hung out on the beach, slung a frisbee about and watched the sun go down.

Thoroughly enjoyed it!

RÁS || Brand Photography || Brecon Beacons, Wales

Sometimes people will walk into your life that will inspire you to no end. Despite how hard something may appear, they choose to cast doubt aside and delve deep, into the pits of pain to resurface, unscathed, sporting a wild grin. Dan is one of these people. 

I've been sat on this project for a long time now, trying to keep it somewhat secret due to it's infancy. 

Just under a year ago now Dan & I sat down for lunch after talking for a while over Instagram. I had started following him on Abi's recommendation due to his no bullshit attitude towards life and training. Two coffees down and we were like old friends sharing cycling stories, veering wildly off topic at any given point. 

We share a love for being able to push yourself into a deep dark hole and weather the storm of physical and mental bombardment. It's a place where we will both frequently visit to achieve a sense of cleanliness in our thinking. I really relate to Dan's process; Beast yourself into oblivion, drag yourself out, view the results and repeat. Pain is only temporary and all that jazz. 

It's this process that brings out the best in us. To really push ourselves and see what is really possible with a bit of extra grit and determination. 

With that being said, I think now is a good time to share Dan's plan with his brand RÁS.

RÁS;

A brand forged in the burning lungs of every athlete who has ever wished to push that little harder to distance themselves from the pack. A brand that focuses on pushing triathletes through every element of training. Be it the cold, harsh, open water, unforgiving head winds or the relentless pounding of earth under foot, RÁS athletes embrace these and overcome. A true RÁS athlete knows that real competition is against themselves & medals are just gifts from mortals. 

We Race. We Achieve. We Strive. 

The vision is simple - disrupt the fitness industry to empower personal change and growth.

RÁS will offer a place for aspiring athletes to push themselves into their darkest places in order to achieve incredible goals and revel in the euphoric after glow. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't just another "Gym" where somebody will watch you train and tick boxes as you do so. This is a place where only those determined to visit their darkest, most inward, tortured versions of themselves will train. My description may seem a little extreme, possibly a little over zealous but I can't help but get what Dan is trying to achieve with RÁS.

I'm sure each and every one of us can think of a time where we set out to achieve something but gave up prematurely when the first hurdle appeared. It's so easy to be defeated by yourself and a negative mindset. It reminds me of the quote "The stimulus for a lobster to grow, is that it feels uncomfortable". If you don't know it, Google it! 

We finally locked down a date to shoot and decided we would meet in a lay by, overlooking Pen Y Fan, before sunrise. The goal for this shoot was to create gritty looking images that would capture the essence of RÁS along with a few "pain cave" faces. Throw Ashley Said into the mix and we would be left with some breath taking drone footage of Dan powering through the deserted landscape. 

We were also joined by Dans Fiancée, Rhi, (If you haven't clocked it yet, I recently shot their pre wedding) who kindly prepared breakfast for us from the back of the van. She would also take over driving duties for the morning and set a deviant pace for Dan to follow whilst Ash & I worked from the back of the van. 

Overall, we spent six or so hours watching Dan obliterate himself that day.  Despite keeping at 25mph and above, Dan refused to drop away from the van... Or even move into it's slip stream. When the morning traffic started to increase we decided to move on to a more secluded to document Dan running. With the bike packed away and a new location reached, we would spend the final hours of our shoot in amongst the trees... Dan executing one hill rep after another. Still unfazed by the lactic acid that was now in every muscle.  

We tied up the shoot and said our goodbyes. Whilst Ash & I went to find lunch, Dan & Rhi travelled to Bristol where they would continue training, this time swimming together. 

Though RÁS is still in it's infancy, I'm certain this will not be the last you hear of it from me. It's a project that I am really proud to be involved with. I love everything about it. I enjoy the mindset that surrounds it and feel comfortable documenting the grit of it all through black and white images. 

How you do anything is how you do everything

Keep an eye on RÁS as it grows

Instagram - @rascardiff
Twitter - @RasCardiff

Below are my favourites of the day. I picked mainly cycling stuff as the light was bang on!