Here it is, January. The longest bloody month of the year. The month of renewal, whether thats a new gym membership, a detox for your liver or simply admitting that promise you made yourself on new years eve is quite frankly, fuckin ridiculous.
For the first time in a while, I’ve got/had a few hours to my self in order to get writing again. The writing muscle that was once quite strong is now ridiculously unfit. Much like any other endeavour, life has taken the reigns and cast writing aside.
I’m going to keep this one short today, like those runs when you first started “couch to 5k”. You feel you should be doing more in order to be good, but really, it’s all a mental game. Patience is key here, no matter how loud you may be screaming to achieve more.
Most photographers use this time of year to post a yearly round up. They’re incredible to read and to look at how much they’ve achieved, though this year, thats not for me. Truth be told. I can’t be arsed, if you wanna see some of the stuff I shot last year, check out my portfolio section in a bit, if you like, as I’ve added some new stuff to it.
Which leads me to why I originally sat down today.
The future.
I’m well aware that I get into the habit of doing this with my blogs, I sit down and type out everything that I wanna do and where I think I should be moving. Don’t worry, the repetition bores me as well. Let’s just see where this one goes for today shall we? After all, it’s the first in a long time, it’s not going to be anything mind blowing is it?
2019 was, in short, bat shit fucking mental. Abi & I made a human named Olin, who is an absolute fucking blast. He’s now crawling, can pull himself up on the sofa and recently figured out how to feed himself with a spoon.
Work was the busiest I’ve ever experienced. I quit my part time job at the New York Deli after calling it home for so many years. I travelled the country shooting weddings and capturing what many people call their lives. It was fucking magnificent. With that came new friendships, ones I can safely say I will treasure for ever. Two thousand nineteen feels like the year I found my tribe and if you’re one of those who have known me for many a year, you’ll understand how important that has been for me to discover over the span of my lifetime.
Since mentioning the future, you’ll have noticed all I’ve done since is talk about the past. And if you haven’t… You’ve no doubt read back a few lines and gone “oh yeah…”.
There’s been a few changes to this business over the last few years. Some have been great and really helped me grow, yet some have been choices to conform in hopes of growth. It’s these choices that my subconscious has been screaming at deep down. Like when someone nicks your arm rest on a plane. You don’t wanna make a scene but deep down, you’re bastard furious and think to yourself “you entitled cock bag, I hope they lose your luggage and you have a shit time where ever you’re going”. The fact that they are six years old doesn’t even come into it.
Joking aside, I can’t ignore that something hasn’t felt right with how I present myself and business. I’ve had a good amount of time to reflect on this since the new year. Sooooo… Here’s the plan.
I gotta listen to my gut. I harp on to no end about being honest and favouring curiosity. Though truth be told, just wanting to produce my best work and keep a roof over our heads has clouded my judgement. Fear has taken over. I’ve taken the more conventional route. I’ve played it too safe. And that is an abhorrent truth to swallow.
It feels as if everything has gone full circle. My heading has found true north again.
My true north is telling stories. Capturing the smaller details of someones life that could easily be missed despite their beauty and/or value. No doubt I have touched on this in previous blogs, but when work and opportunity comes a knocking, it’s easy to let that believe slip in order to keep your head above the rising waters of being a small business.
The true reason for becoming a photographer was to recreate the feeling I get after looking at my own wedding images, then gift it to somebody else. Naturally, this plays well to wedding photography, but after working with smaller brands and indy businesses, it became apparent that the choice to focus these efforts on weddings alone is illogical.
No matter the situation, photography for me is a way of connecting with somebody. Getting deep down under their skin and tapping into their energy. Becoming truly present and connected with them. It’s at this moment I feel my work really comes alive. They’re not just photos any more, they are reminders of that moment. Smells, sounds, tastes, anything. They are all right there in that visual cue before you. The same as when you listen to your favourite album. It takes you somewhere.
Naturally, all of the above seems to stink of wedding stuff right!? Or is that just my own clouded judgement on it? In practice, it’s tried and tested with weddings. However, it works so well with an independent business or person, because it goes far beyond a product or service. It becomes about those who are creating something you may wish to invest in. It explores their mindset, emotions, believes but most of all, their story.
A complete history of how they came to be, right up to that moment. Right there, being channelled through my skin, into my veins, to my brain, into my eye then down through my finger tip and into the camera. This is what photography is to me.
Now trying to market that in order to create a business is really fucking tough. Something so emotionally raw will naturally draw itself to weddings, I know this, but I refuse to limit such an experience to weddings alone. The way I see it is, if you are human and are willing to let me in to your comfort zone, we can create such things. There is a story to be told in anything, hell, there’s even a story in your morning commute, you’ve just not necessarily seen as a story… Yet.
This is where I feel my intent has been lost over the past few years. I’ve tried so hard to focus everything into one aspect. Be it weddings or “commercial” work. There is a natural ebb and flow to my work. One day it could be a wedding, the next it could be a craftsperson. I revel in such changeability. Though sadly, I have felt the need reign it in in order to create stability and security.
Having to choose between one or the other is something I have been ridiculously uncomfortable with. I guess you could call it FOMO.
In order to stay content I need to be creating something that tells a story. Be it with a brand, a wedding or even out on the street with a camera in my pocket. If there’s a spark of human emotion, interaction or proof of existence, I have a dying need to collect these moments in a small box.
Like I said above, trying to pay my bills and stay true to this can often become really bloody hard work. There’s a good chance you may be one of the many business owners I’ve exhausted with the constant seeking for advice or opinions on how to present this to the world.
Luckily I’ve decided.
I refuse to separate the two and will absol-fuckin-lutely not bend on this. Ever.
Curiosity is what fuels me. It’s responsible for me failing in school, for never finding a “real” career or for ever settling for second best. If there is something in front of me that seems highly illogical, I will always explore the way to make it logical. Even if it takes longer than deemed necessary, I will obsess over it just to say I did it.
The same applies to my approach to photography.
The other morning I was sat in traffic when somebody tried to join the queue I was sat in. We know the scenario, theres a huge line of traffic and one car hammers up the right hand side, in the lane that is due to close in a few hundred yards. Everyone sat in the left lane starts getting closer to those in front of them and will no doubt start hurling abuse when said car tries to join from the outside.
Why the fuck do we do this?! Is it a British thing or just a case of human nature?!
It seems that as soon as anybody tries to do something different from the norm, they are cast out. Everybody is waiting for them to fail or they themselves are waiting to relish in the moment where they get to harp in with their own opinions. Always trying to shame that one individual for breaking the norm. Where realistically, using the traffic example, if we were all brave enough to break the norm, i.e take the risk of using the closing lane, the queue we were all sat in would be drastically shorter. Thus improving the life of those sat way back at the cross roads unable to cross the yellow box of uncertainty.
Now, that may seem a little wild as an example, but there is a reason for it. In terms of business and the modern world we live in, the internet is our best friend. All of those who have given me advice recently have pointed out by not separating my two types of work (wedding & commercial) is an absolute nightmare in terms of SEO and marketing. I can’t help but agree with them to some extent, however, favouring curiosity, it is now my fucking mission to make it happen. To be top of every list and easily discoverable.
It’s illogical yes, but impossible? No.
The way I see it, it’s no different to watching a television programme about a travelling chef. One week they are catering a wedding, the next they are sat on a river bank enjoying the spoils of fresh produce. The two are so wildly different, but they make sense because of the host and the nature of the show. More importantly, you are engrossed by the story they are telling.
It shouldn’t matter what you want to do. If you have an idea, go with it. Feed that hunger in your belly and cast aside the nay sayers. It is the fear that lives within humans that cripples us in our endeavours. Yes we all need to pay our bills and don’t wish to lose everything we have ever worked on. But if we just sit on it and think “that’d be nice” then accept yourself as one of those assholes hurling abuse at that one car travelling up the lane deemed “socially risky”.
We are all on our own journey. Do we want to be stuck moving in multiple lanes of traffic on a grey, smoggy, monotonous motorway? Or would we rather be covering the extra miles on a winding mountain road, in the fresh air with the thrill of not knowing what lie around the next bend?
With that said, it feels like I am starting my journey all over again. I’ve gone full circle and returned to true north. I went out into one area believing it to be wild and free, but remained on the remnants of a path due to fear of getting truly lost.
Skirting along the edge of the wilderness has its appeal. It feels as if you are truly out there, though really, in reality, if you get scared, civilisation is only a phone call away. I no longer wish for such comfort. It’s time to be bold and try something different. To really satisfy my gut. To feed that curiosity.
Change is good. I can’t wait to start making changes and share them with you. It’s exciting, more so awaiting the reactions from such attempts. This isn’t just about a photography business any more. This about who I am as a person and what I can bring to our world. What I can do to change the way we look at photography and life itself. “Bit drastic!” you may say, but why not? Already I am questioning when I will fail, maybe you are as well. But failure breeds change and more so success. Luckily I have been gifted a lot of distractions and failures over the past three years and they have led me to this moment.
For now I’m off into the wilderness. I’ll tell you all about it when I get back.
A x
