Hey bud,

How are you? It’s been a long old time since we’ve shared this space together right?! I mean fuck, what a past year and a bit it’s been… Anyway, we all know how that convo goes, “unprecedented” and all that. Snooze fest averted.

So why have we decided to meet today?

If you’ve frequented this blog in the past, you’ll know that this is a place where I try to make some sense of everything thats been banging around in the old bonce. I’m always aware that I am searching for an answer for something hypothetical and will usually go off on some form of negative rant, discuss multiple sides of the argument, then try to wrap it up with a positive spin.

As the title states, I finally have an answer to some of the questions I’ve not been able to answer. I have a reason for the way my thoughts present themselves in the way they do. Why certain things HAVE to be done in a certain way. Why I’m so hell bent on giving myself a hard time, all the time.

Well my friend, Alex Sedgmond got diagnosed with ADHD.

That ability to always relate to what you’re saying with a past experience?! ADHD

Always blurting out mid sentence about something that’s caught my eye?! ADHD

Feeling like I’m never quite on someones wavelength. ADHD

Always having to self edit and being overly aware of myself in public. ADHD

Getting in a massive piss when I have nothing/too much to do. ADHD

Forever wide awake at a ridiculous hour. ADHD

Sending ridiculously long emails to clients, filled with things I find hilarious. ADHD

Never quite knowing whether I’ve overstayed my welcome. ADHD

Reluctant to do things in a “normal” manner. ADHD

Splitting my day up into multiple half hour segments. ADHD

Taking ages to make my point. ADHD

The fact that I’m bored as fuck of making a list but also worried I won’t paint the whole picture.

Fucking ADHD.

Over recent months, I’ve gone back over my past and finally accepted that, some of the things that have made me miserable are born purely out of how my brain works. Not because of what I said. Not how I said it. Not how I presented myself as a person. Not because I did something wrong. Not because that person hated me. Not because I was lazy. Not because I was too intense. Not because I’m a complete fuck up.

For so many years I’ve had to keep a vice like grip on my behaviour. Watching my every move, studying every decision with a fine toothed comb. Then blasting myself when something doesn’t turn out the way I wanted/needed it to.

All of this has been in vein, believing that if I stayed within certain parameters, I could do well and be happy. There have been glimpses of my mindset changing over previous blogs, but inevitably, I’ve resorted back to trying to fit in to society in a way thats kinda half and half. Half what I “needed” to do and half what I wanted to do.

Over the past month or so, I’ve decided to royally fuck that off and it’s been noticed. Maybe you are one of those who have noticed. I’m a lot more at home with how I’m feeling on certain days. If I’m under-stimulated and aggy, I’ll just write it off as a bad day. Where as before I’d try and force my self into a certain mindset in order to be productive, hell bent on not wasting yet another day. If I’m overwhelmed and fall into one of those “FUUUUUUCK THE WORLD IS ENDING” mindsets, then again, I just fuck that day off and accept that there is no calm amidst the storm.

The racing thoughts have been allowed to escape through my mouth, despite seeming off topic, they have a relevance to what has been discussed. Now they are out in the open, they’re no longer causing a distraction whilst I’m trying to listen. This has been a fucking game changer. It’s not quite the stereotype of blurting out “SQUIRREL”, but it’s fairly similar.

I’m sure some people find me really fucking hard work. Maybe that’s my insecurity?! Maybe it’s just fact?! But I’ve learned that those who accept the mayhem that can often spill from my brain, they are those who will remain closest to my heart.

There is change on the horizon. Once again… I’m well aware I’m always talking about bloody change. But this time it’s different. Regardless of how many times I’ve said that in the past as well!

With regards to my photography, you may or may not have seen on social media, that I have decided to step away from weddings after this year. Trying to balance my work load with family life has been a real struggle. Where as most people can use a planner and time block, everything I do has to stay in my head or on multiple scraps of paper that add to the miscellaneous pocket debris. Where as before it wasn’t much of an issue, now we have the little man, he has added some extra steps to consider whilst my arse backwards planning methods are in motion.

My life with ADHD has felt complicated to say the least. If you’ve ever heard of executive dysfunction, you’ll have an idea of what a shit show my head can be. And here’s me thinking this is what being an adult felt like.

So moving forward, I’ve decide that I’ll be much happier staying closer to home and focusing on my brand photography. As much as I love being here, there and everywhere, hanging out with couples who are crazy stoked on one another, it bums me out how much I have to disconnect from my son (and wife) in order to do so. Before the pandemic, I was one of those fathers/husbands that was always putting work first. ADHD is a blessing and a curse for this. A blessing because I can hyperfocus and hammer out masses of work in short timespans. But a curse for the same reason. Some days the stresses of knowing a couple is waiting for their collection whilst I’m looking after my son can become overbearing. Knowing I have to have things in order before I leave for a few days to work, usually results in me becoming insular. I shut off, I have my head in the game and miles away from my family. No matter how I try to word it, it’ll never feel right, it’ll make that pin, over the self loathing record, scratch into action.

I won’t ever be able to put it into words. But I think/know that my gut is telling me to shift now before I get any deeper into the wedding game.

But it’s not all negative right!? Working with brands, makers and artists, is sooo diverse that it’ll always keep my curiosity satisfied. I can’t wait to fully commit to nosing around peoples work spaces and getting crazy inspired over peoples dreams and ambitions.

I’m committing whole heartedly.

So much so that over the next few months you’ll see a huge difference in my branding and this website. I’m going balls to the wall, in true ADHD fashion and putting all my eggs in one basket. All or nothing.

I’ve wanted to do this for a very long time. So much so, I can hand on heart say, that this is not another fad I’ll entertain till the next shiny thing comes along. This has been burning in me for fucking years. Now it feels like I’m finally ready to swing the doors open on it backdraft style.

(ADHD moment, remember the 90’s movie backdraft?!)

Anyway, I’m losing interest in this now. Feels like I’ve been harping on for fucking ages and I need to get back to editing.

I’m sure I’ll post more about my diagnoses in the future. But for now I just wanted to make a point of it. I’m sure if you know me, you’ll have a moment finding yourself saying; “yeah fuck, that makes perfect sense”. If we’re yet to have met or talk, you’ll know what to expect. Finally I can drop that feeling of being too much for certain folk straight outta the gate.

Till next time.

A x

Oh and here are some random photos I have on my desktop… Because photography…