HOW I GOT HERE (pt.5)

THE WARMTH

Your own life is a pretty funny thing when you put it all down in front of you. It's amazing how quickly it seems to pass by. All the highs, the lows and the blank spaces of existing in between. Writing this has been pretty fun. It's made me realise that I sound like a self important dick so far. But that was who I was a few years ago. I'm pretty stoked on where I am in life right now. But that'll probably be the next chapter. For now lets keep talking in past tense. 

Working in the deli was going well. I was pretty happy with where my music was going and I had finally started to move on from everything that troubled me a few months back. However, the Abi shaped hole that was gaping in my side was still stinging. This was the furthest I'd ever been in a break up. I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was really loss or just the residual feelings working them self out of my system. Granted I was pretty happy with how things were going but she was always on my mind in some shape or form.

Playing Pierstock. Courtesy of Bren Corrigan

I knew she was out there somewhere not too far from me living her own life. A life that wasn't to include me. This was a pretty tough pill to swallow but I felt I owed it to us both to get on with my own thing. This was almost impossible as everything I found, whether it was something funny, something creative or just a good response from a gig, I wanted to share it with her. Where I had once thought was an unsafe place, was where she now called home. My heart. 

We had moved on so far from one another we had both started seeing other people. Needless to say this is a shitty memory to bare. We had both started dating people who were completely wrong for us both. These new people just weren't cutting it for us, through no fault of their own. There was a lot of "x Wouldn't have done that" on both sides. It's amazing the impact one person can make over the course of a few years. I remember meeting up with her during the time we were both seeing other people. We just chatted for a few hours over coffee. My best friend had returned for a few hours.

Everything had aligned for a few hours and suddenly the world wasn't spinning as fast.

After this, knowing that my soulmate was out there without me by her side sent me into a downward flurry. Both of our new relationships ran their courses and ended. Though I can't remember quite how it happened, Abi and I started talking again. I'd constantly be checking my phone for texts. My hands would tingle with adrenaline when I thought of her. Like the sort of electric feeling you get when looking over a cliff edge.

Abi & I at a Eurovision party. I'm covered in cheese stickers representing Switzerland... Jarlsberg is Norwegian.

Months passed and we'd hang out every now and then. It was at this point my mind was made up. My world felt as if it was in constant shadow without her. She was the sun to me. I knew she was there... But on the other side. 

One day, after a busy lunch period in the deli I was cleaning down the service counter. She had been on my mind all day and I finally couldn't take any more. "I need to get Abi back", the words blurting out in an unexpected manner. Every one looked at me in a kinda "Riiiiight... ok" kinda way. We discussed it for a while and there were mixed feelings from them. This only made the need to do it even greater. I was right on this one. Nothing was going to stop me from trying. Seeing my commitment to it, everyone accepted my decision. I will never forget Ffion saying "Go get her Al." Her voice hushed and sincere. 

"You have to"

Abi and I started hanging out a little more often. Going on road trips and cooking one another dinner. We were still just friends, though these friends were like those who reunite after being separated for many years. It was becoming more and more apparent to us both that I was still wildly in love with this wonderful woman. Abi played it cool though and kept me at an arms length. Who am I to judge her for this, I'd been acting a colossal cunt for the past few years. I was just happy to be in her company. 

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She was due to travel around Australia with a friend a few months after we had started hanging out. I dreaded the thought of her not being around again, so I tried to see her as much as possible before she left.  We stayed in contact when ever we could while she was away. I'd be thinking of her as soon as I woke up, throughout the day, right up until I fell asleep. She was more important than music & gigging to me now. I had an opportunity to open for Newton Faulkner when he was to visit Cardiff. This was huge news. I never quite got the gig as I wasn't really too bothered by it. All I really cared about was making things right with her. 

The day she landed back in the UK I was there to meet her in Heathrow. We have been together ever since. Within less than a year we had our first home together. A small one bedroomed house with a fucked boiler. Soon to follow was the arrival of Roxy. A white and tabby cat rescued from a home that no longer wanted her. 

The world was bright again. 

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NEXT

Closing in on present day, cycling and more job hopping.