So, here it is.
My last post was a half arsed attempt of keeping this shit up to date. I didn't even share it with you guys because I knew it was weak. So after staring into the mirror for a while I've decided to get back on this. In this post I'm gonna try something new. Being straight up fuckin honest. No positive spins. No clever words. No holding back. Just emptying all the clutter from my mind.
I've been out for a bit with my buddy and have had a green tea and chatted photography for a bit. I enjoy these chats immensely but when I walk away I am left feeling frustrated. I've set my self some achievable goals recently but life and work has slowed my efforts. For those of you who don't know me I am incredibly impatient and massively self critical. The past few weeks I have almost given up on my photography journey. Simply put, because I can't be fuckin arsed. Something has happened deep within that has made my positive, determined mind set dwindle severely and dissolve into some form of abyss.
I find whenever I open Lightroom recently I begin procrastinating because deep down I feel like what I have shot isn't really that great. Almost as if they are pointless images. In a way I guess theres some truth to that. On my days off I spend hours driving to places to shoot. Usually in the wilds of Brecon or farther afield. I do this to escape. Taking the camera is just an excuse to be there without looking weird or lost.
I've been working a lot recently and haven't had any real time off. All my spare time is spent being busy. The wife and I moved in with her parents a few weeks back in hope of saving some serious money so we can buy a house. Moving out of our flat was fuckin hard man. Seeing all your belongings boxed up and stuck in a trailer to be stored in a warehouse for a few months is pretty fuckin weird. Packing it up is even fuckin weirder. Deconstructing our little underground burrow was tough. Our little flat was full of trinkets and curiosities. All the things we had collected over the years proudly displayed amongst guitars, art work and books... Suddenly, boxed up and in a hurry. Towards the end of the move the flat had turned into this empty fuckin burden that was a nagging task that was never quite finished. That shit knackered me the fuck out and I don't think I've quite recovered from it.
In amongst moving house I tried to step my work life up a notch. Theres a lot of things that I've been trying to do over the past few weeks that seem to be just out of my reach. I'll give myself some serious shit for not getting stuff done and then usually leave work "in an Agg" to then come home and not stop thinking about it. Shit keeps me up at night man. It's like I'm doing so much but on all the wrong things. Sometimes it takes a "shower moment" to re align things. A shower moment is where I'll stand in the shower for a prolonged period of time just making plans. Setting paths to calmer waters. Then when I'm done I stand and stare at myself or the sink for a little longer to refine these plans and set realistic targets and time frames. The hardest part with all this... Outside influences. In my mind I am fuckin invincible after these moments. I'm focused. Determined... And fuckin hell bent on getting shit done. I'll usually start writing lists. Then getting inspired. Then getting carried away with it all and staying up until some ungodly hour of the morning. The next day I arrive at work tired and cranky and already feel like what I've planned is unrealistic and too hard. So already I'm on a back foot. Then because of this I don't quite get what I want to do/get done across to people. SO inevitably things don't get done. Then I get frustrated. Frustrated because I feel like I'm letting myself and other people down.
As I said at the beginning I'm impatient. If I set a goal I want it completed immediately. To the point where I'll stop working on other things just to fuckin get it done. I'm trying to tackle so many challenges in this hell bent manner and getting no where fast! All I want is to just make shit happen. But I feel like I cant quite get the balance right between everything. I guess what I'm really doing is trying to do too much at once and fuckin myself whilst doing so.
All I wanna do is:
SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY WIFE. SAVE MONEY. BUY A HOUSE. SUCCEED IN WORK. SHOOT MORE. CONSTANTLY IMPROVE. BE A FREELANCE PHOTOGRAPHER.
That's what I want to achieve in seven sentences.
In my head theres always two roads. One says that those seven statements are perfectly obtainable and I'll be fuckin damned if any thing gets in my way. The second (where I am now) says that I am being unrealistic and don't have the confidence nor the capability to stay on track. Its almost as if subconsciously I really enjoy battering my confidence and sanity. One minute I'm ready to change the world for good. The next minute I'm telling myself I'm a twat for even thinking I could achieve anything so brave. It goes round and round and on and on. It's fuckin dumb. I know its fuckin dumb but its the way it is.
So getting back on track thats the main reason why I haven't posted here recently. Because I feel like I haven't made any progress. In anything it feels. All that shit above. All that verbal diarrhoea. All that whining. Thats what I've been trying to hide from. Admitting that life has been a little disrupted and in turn it has knocked my confidence. Which is embarrassing because, I'm used to just getting on with stuff and things being fairly easy.
There's no where to hide from it now. I've put off posting this shit for so long and now its out there. For everyone to see. I'll post something photography related soon when I'm in a better mood. For now I'm just gonna go stare into the mirror and think.
I have read and re-read this almost a thousand times now. I had to post it to see it through and keep it as a record of thought processes. I have since reminded my self of all the things I have to be grateful for. I am a very fortunate man and very lucky to have what I have.